I will die if light touches me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we should paint friendship bongs
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