The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
