Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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