It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
