When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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