Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
