dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
