Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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