Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
