Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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