dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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