the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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