Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fill condoms, not promises.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
