we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
