When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
