Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
