i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
