matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
