Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
