I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
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