Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
