I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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