My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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