This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
