how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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