I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He's on the porch naked. Help.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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