i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
All the doctor said was why
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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