ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
