So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
