Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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