What did we do last night that was yellow?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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