Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
