he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
