im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
