I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
