The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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