I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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