I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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