You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
