her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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