it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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