Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
