I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
