I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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