This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
