I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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