my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
