I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
