i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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