I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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