First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
