Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
